Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
