she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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