Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
