You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
