am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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