Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
