"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
