My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
