Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
