my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
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