I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You can't just leave with hair like that
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
