woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
