...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
What a dumb baby whore.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
