My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
