Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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