new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
there is glitter all over my balls
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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