My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
