sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
