Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
