The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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