Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
