just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
