he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
