I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
