I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
