I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
