just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
