And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
