My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
