if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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