you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
