I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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