Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
