I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
