dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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