3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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