It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
