Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
