3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
