i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
