I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
