onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
