Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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