Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
