So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
