glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
