I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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