He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
