I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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