he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?