The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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