Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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