even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We were destined to go to rehab together
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
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