god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
