i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
