My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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